Byakushi's Wrath
by Panda-Angel-Wings
Summary: "WHAT? IS IT ULQUIORRA? I never wanted an Espada in the family..." "WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER? ONLY I CAN DO THINGS TO HER!" Byakuya is having a bad day, which made him say unByakuyaish things. Lets see how it got worse. Pure crack. OOC Byakuya,Rukia,Ichigo,Renji,and others. I lied. It's not a two-shot just three-chapters
1. Chapter 1

Renji smiled as he walked through Karakura Park. He was finally going to do it today. By the end of the day, the girl of his dreams would be in his arms exclaiming on where to go, what to see, what to do and the whatnot. He'd finally be able to breathe in her fresh scent, one of the only things that hadn't changed since he met him. Most of all, he'd be known as her 'boyfriend'.

His eyes shot up when he felt her reiatsu. It was behind a grove of bushes.

Running towards it, he smiled when he saw her dark black hair on her tiny form. Her back was turned to him, but that didn't stop him.

"Ru—"

His jaw dropped. With his eyes bulging, the red haired lieutenant watched in horror at the scene in front of him.

"—marry me Rukia," said the orange haired teenage human kneeling in front of the girl of his dreams.

_Reject him,_ Renji thought furiously/_ Just reject him._

"Of-course!" Rukia's voice went an octave higher when she clapped her hands and swooped down to kiss the Shinigami/Quincy/Hollow/Fullbring _creature._

With tears rolling down his face, Renji took out his Soul Pager and called a number.

"Taichou," he said his voice quivering. "Congratulations. You're going to walk her down the aisle."

* * *

He was having a bad day.

The 4th Seat had accidentally switched the daily report to Yamamoto with his plans for his new design of the Wakame Ambassador and had gotten negative comments from the new Central 46.

Then, one of the maidservants had accidently mailed his noble undergarments to the Royal Palace instead of the documents the Soul King wanted. (And it was his favorite chappy ones too!)

So when he got the phone call from Renji, he was quite annoyed.

"I do not wish to hear your useless—" The Taichou he was speaking to was none other than roku bantai taichou Kuchiki Byakuya of the noble house of the Kuchiki. The said man, who was writing the beautiful kanji of his dead wife's name, choked on the green tea he was drinking and kicked over the ink bottle.

Not bothering to pick it up, he demanded, "What? You're marrying Rukia?"

"I wish," said a snuffling Renji. "No, it's worse."

"GRIMMJOW? SHE'D MARRYING GRIMMJOW?"

"Grimmjow? You know him too, sir?"

"No,no,no. Don't tell me. It's Ulquiorra right? I never wanted an Espada in the family…"

"Ulqui—? No, she's marrying—"

"AIZEN? WHAT HAS URAHARA BEEN DOING ALL THIS TIME? I THOUGHT HE WAS IMPRISONED!"

"Taichou…calm down…like I said, it's worse." Renji started to explain who it was. "Taichou, your sister is marrying that creature the one who—"

"Kuchiki-san, I have news for you," came a nasally voice from the door. Turning, Byakuya saw an idiotic grin on Kurotsuchi Mayuri Taichou. "You're dear Hisana is—"

"—back." Renji finished. The red haired Shinigami was vaguely aware his taichou didn't hear anything he said.

"HISANA IS BACK?!" Byakuya roared. "WHY DO YOU KNOW? WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER? ONLY I CAN DO THINGS TO HER!"

"What?" Renji asked confused. "Why—"

Unknown to him, Ichigo and RUkia were overhearing the entire conversation behind him. "Ren-djinn."

Jumping several feet, Renji turned around. "R-r-rukia!" He tried to smile. Looking down though, he saw the enormous diamond ring on her ring finger.

Smiling, Rukia said, "Look at what Ichigo gave me! You like? We're getting married!"

"Renji," came Byakuya's cool voice form the other end. The 6th Squad Captain now had the 12th Squad Captain in a headlock. He had heard what Rukia had said. "Give me the phone to my sister."


	2. Chapter 2

**LOL. I really wanted to update the second part. Because I just couldn't leave it here. Just know you'll find extreme OOC Byakuya, Renji, Ichigo, Rukia, ETC. **

**Oh! BTW I wanted to tell you that Laiba (the other owner of this account) didn't read this...so it'll be a surprise to her too. **

* * *

"_Renji," came Byakuya's cool voice form the other end. The 6__th__ Squad Captain now had the 12__th__ Squad Captain in a headlock. He had heard what Rukia had said. "Give me the phone to my sister." _

Renji's bloodshot eyes went wider as he handed the phone to Ichigo's fiancée. Rukia tried to gulp the lump in throat, knowing that something bad was supposed to happen.

"Ni-nii-sama," she said hesitantly. "H-how are you?"

She paused to feel his wrath.

"Rukia…"the Kuchiki head started, sounding eerily calm. "Congratulations."

Rukia sighed in relief. All the worry disappeared from her. Renji looked up in surprised. The Captain agreed to it?

"Byakuya nii-sama, ari—"

"LIKE HELL I'LL EVER SAY THAT!" Byakuya finally exploded. All his anger though, went to his fellow Captain Mayuri who was now being choked by him. How DARE that _peasant_ propose to her?! In fact, he should be grateful he even got to look at her!

Rukia paled. "Nii-sama—" she whimpered.

"WHERE THE HELL IS THAT BASTARD?! I NEED TO GET MY HANDS AROUND HIS GRIMY LITTLE THROAT AND—"

"Ku-Kuchiki Taichou," Mayuri croaked. His face paint was now peeling off due to the extreme heat of his blood spreading across his face. "You're hands are around my throat though…"

"URUSAI!" Byakuya bellowed at the man. "WHO ASKED YOU?!"

In frustration, he leapt up, releasing Kurotsuchi from his hold (who sighed in relief and shunpoed away as fast as he could), and tore out his kensaikan.

"Nii-nii-" Rukia could hear the awful noise of what resembled plastic hair curlers being throw on the floor. What on earth was happening? _Ichigo,_ she though on impulse. Turning around swiftly, she looked at her boyfriend-turned-fiancé.

….Or so she thought. Because all she saw was Renji who looked back at her with an equal amount of surprise.

"Where's Ichigo?" She asked the blushing red haired Fuku-Taichou.

_She-she's looking at….ME!_ Renji thought furiously. With a dazed look on his face, he answered, "He told me not to tell you but…he ran away."

This took a while for Rukia to consume.

"What did you say?"Byakuya, who Renji had always thought as scary, shouldn't be compared to her. Her aura darkened and her violet eyes glowed. Instantly her sword came to her hand, and she charged him.

"ABARAI RENJI! I WILL KILL YOU FOR NOT STOPPING THAT PIECE OF—"

Without a thought, Renji threw up his hands to shield himself from her wrath.

"Renji…"Her voice became quieter. Renji heard the clattering of a sword. Hesitantly, he opened his eyes.

"That…is…so…KAWAII!" She squealed. Her hands on her cheeks, Rukia smiled and jumped up and down. Renji looked down at disbelief at the…

…Chappy.

Kuchiki Rukia of the noble house of Kuchiki was squealing at something Renji had drawn on his hands.

"OMG! OMG!" Rukia screamed. She bent down to his hands and looked at them with expectation.

"Is that…a red haired Chappy? OMG and there's a black haired one with funny hair! Like me!" She looked up at him with a different light.

"Yeah…I even made a orange haired Chappy," he said with a smile stretching across his face. He pointed to an orange haired bunny being killed with a bloody katana while the other bunnies "embraced" (we all know what that means right?)

_Mwahaha,_ Renji thought evilly. _Common interests always win._

"You know, if Ichigo hadn't asked me first I would've married you. Chappy people are better than orange happy people, right?" Rukia said with a wistful look on her face.

Renji registered what she said. Rukia registered what she said.

Looking at each other, brown eyes staring into the violet, they made a new arrangement. And so they knew what to do now…

**Meanwhile…**

"WHERE ARE YOU, YOU BLOODY KUROSAKI?!" Byakuya barged into the Kurosaki residence. His Senbonzakura was in his right hand, and he raked through his (new) kensaikan with his left. He was POSITIVE the bloody fool's reiatsu was here.

"Yo, Bya-boy!" a familiar voice to the Captain reached his ears. In disbelief he turned to face the smiling Isshin Kurosaki. "You're always welcome to use to door, you know." He looked at the hole in the wall and laughed merrily. "Well, who cares? I'll use 10000 yen and repair it later!"

_He could be useful…_ Byakuya thought. Although he was an idiot, Isshin was pretty powerful. But why was he here?

"It's my house," the older man voiced an answer to his thoughts. "Remember? I'm ISSHIN KUROSAKI," he pointed to the sign saying his name. "Now how can I help my favorite underling?"

All it took was one word. Or two. "Your son."

"Ichigo? What did he do? You want me to call him down?"

"…he proposed to my sister, Rukia."

Isshin scratched his head. "Rukia? Oh, you mean that black haired girl who slept at our house a couple of times!"

Byakuya's eyes widened. _HOW DARE HE! _"Just tell me where he is and I'll be on my way."

Isshin eyed him, and took one look at the hole in the wall. "Do what ever you want if you can fix the wall."

Byakuya deadpanned. "Deal."

**ONE MONTH LATER…**

_Dear Ichigo,_

_How are you? Sorry I left so suddenly, but you weren't so important to me. No, it wasn't nii-sama. Since he hasn't come back yet, I can tell you aren't dead yet, right? Well, whatever! I'm honeymooning on nii-sama's private island (well, all I said was I needed to use it!) with my new husband, Renji. You will not believe how many bunnies there are! In fact, Renji and I are now dressing them up in cute little human clothes! We got engaged right after you ran away. Seems like Renji likes Chappy too (unlike you -.-) I lost your ring though…not like I'll be needing it anyway! When nii-sama catches you please don't say anything! _

_Your ex-fiancée, Rukia Abarai_

Ichigo's hands quivered. This is what the love of his life did to him.

He shivered. For one month he'd been running across the world trying to get away from Byakuya's Senbonzakura. Everyday, the petals would follow him. One night, he hopped on a plane and ran away to Antarctica, thinking it'll be easier there. But not even halfway across the ocean. The petals got to him and pretty much destroyed even the entire island below them.

He scratched his week old beard and sighed into the darkness. A cave was now his shelter of the day. He wondered how long he'll live there. Before the place collapsed.

"What a nice letter you have there."

Ichigo jumped two feet in the air in alarm. Behind him was the stalking Taichou of the Gotei 13. He knew this was his end.

"I…realy liked your Wakame Ambassador costume."

"Flattery will get you no where."

"I… always wanted to eat one of your koi, since Yachiru said they were really good."

"Like I'd ever let you touch Kuchiki soil again."

"I…stole your Angry Birds swimming trunks."

Silence. Byakuya looked at the man standing before him quivering with fear.

"…Don't worry I never liked them anyway." He said slowly. "But don't tell Rukia!" Byakuya shaked his head, as he went into bankai mode. "Wait, you'll never be able to tell Rukia, right?"

And so….Ichigo…

* * *

***gasp* What will Ichigo do? **

**:P Sorry I needed to do something there. Since I didn't type up what he does...so tell me-should he live or die?**

**AND...Sorry to all IchiRuki fans, for not letting them get married (I'm pro IchiRuki but I LOVE making crack fanfics too, and this seemed very random)**

**I'll update after 3-4 reviews...because no one reviews :/ but after you do, I promise you'll get a chapter x-o**

**~Sabby**


	3. Chapter 3

**SO I was meanign to update the story but I didn't since I was busy doing other things. Sorry for the EXTREMELY late update! **

_"I…stole your Angry Birds swimming trunks."_

_Silence. Byakuya looked at the man standing before him quivering with fear. _

_"…Don't worry I never liked them anyway." He said slowly. "But don't tell Rukia!" Byakuya shaked his head, as he went into bankai mode. "Wait, you'll never be able to tell Rukia, right?" _

_And so….Ichigo…_

….went on his knees and begged for forgiveness.

"Please, Kuchiki-taichou!" He whined. _He called me Kuchiki-taichou,_ Byakuya noted in horror. _The boy does have a sense of decency after all. _

"Please don't do this! Think about your honor as a Shinigami. Killing your fellow Shinigami-in-arms will be cold murder! You will have blood on your hands!"

Byakuya's hands wobbled a bit. True, what this annoyance was saying was true, but wasn't it his job to exterminate those that were mistakes before they were born?

"Besides, you don't want Aizen to win right?" Ichigo said softly. He was looking at the ground and heaved a great sigh. "I mean, he did plan this too, you know?"

Byakuya's eyes narrowed, but it didn't disguise the sweat that had started to develop on his brow. "Aizen? He's imprisoned." Byakuya had never liked the man anyway, ever since he found his Tokyo Mew Mew and Mermaid Melody scrapbook.

Not when he broadcasted his "love" speech to that girl he liked as a child, claiming it was to Yoruichi.

Not when he made his oji-san decide that it was the time to teach him about Health. Indeed, Byakuya did not have any fond memories regarding the ingenious man.

"Whatever. Now that you're going to kill me, I guess no one will ever protect Karakura town the same way I did. Yamamoto will never have another Hollowfied sidekick running to his side when you guys get into trouble, and Rukia will die a widow. Like you."

That stung. Byakuya forced his sword under his chin, wanting to kill the pride-destroying mistake that had come to life. "I'm a widower! Now shut up and _BAN—"_

"Kuchiki-sama!" a random voice rang out from the opening of the cave. Ichigo sighed in relief. Whoever saved him deserved his thanks. Maybe he'll even be the guys bodyguard for a day.

Byakuya lowered his sword and turned towards the speaker. A small Shinigami of low rank shunpoed and bowed at his feet. "Kuchiki-sama!"

"Yes?" Byakuya asked emotionlessly.

"I am here to confess that Rukia-sama has wedded!"

Byakuya's eyes went wide. He turned to look at Ichigo, wondering if the boy had snuck away and eloped with his sister. He reminded himself that although this was possible, he obviously didn't leave his sight at all.

Ichigo on the other hand, did not take the news well.

"IMMA KILL THAT BASTARD!" he growled, reiatsu engulfing the cave. He growled, and got all white and Vasto Lordish.

One of his kensaiken broke. Byakuya was not amused. "Bankai," he muttered, and suddenly a flower show of piercing blades went towards Ichigo.

"OH HELL NO!" He screamed in his Hollow voice. Just when he was going to Getsuga Tenshou the pinkness, Byakuya's Senbonzakura managed to kill him.

A dead Ichigo fell to the ground.

"I had told you to calm your buttocks down peasant," Byakuya spit on the bloody mess with Michael Jackson hair. "She probably married someone of high standing. _Unlike YOU ._" He sang, wagging a finger like Shanaynay.

"Er…." The officer was at a loss. The Shinigami had not anticipated seeing one of the most famed Taichous kill one of the most famed Fullbrings. "Abarai-fukutaichou has married Abarai Rukia."

Byakuya was taken aback. No, not just aback. He was taken _all the way_ back. "Never mind." He responded to the dead 15 strawberry.

Sheathing his sword, he shunpoed Kuchiki Manor. There, he located Rukia's reiatsu (he did live with her for over 50 years remember?) and went onto his private island.

Renji had not seen this one coming. In fact, he had just finished picking some fresh strawberry bunnies off the trees and was washing them in the water when he saw an angry Byakuya burst through the door.

"Hey Tai—"

The rest cannot be said. As pitiful as it is, the damage was so great not even Yamamoto would disclose the facts to anyone.

Byakuya had forced his sister to say she was unwillingly kidnapped by Renji and that Ichigo had done something to her. She had been bribed by him purchasing the Copyrights to the Chappy Fun-fun Inc.

Rukia was sent home, and is under surveillance all day long. No guy was permitted to come near her, and all that did was greatly injured by Senbonzakura. Even Aizen's son Lory was injured too. Not only that, but Byakuya had Unohana check on her all the time to make sure she was always on birth control pills and wasn't doing anything rowdy when he wasn't around.

"Hisana," the now hyperactive SHinigami exclaimed (he had gone to the Anti-Human-Peasant Party in DisHonor of Ichigo and Renji). "The Byakushies Wrath Plan worked! Now they are gone and I can have Rukia all to myself! We can skip on rainbows and puke up unicorns! I also started a new company called My Little Pony! We can now watch colorful ponies do human peasant things! Isn't life great?"

**Meanwhile in Mayuri's lab...**

"Hi-hi-hisana," he cried.

"Now, now, Kurostuchi-san, don't worry," the said person patted his back.

"BUT HE WAS SO DAMN SCARY!" Mayuri cried his face paint running down his face. "I never even got to tell him that I found you locked in his dungeons."

Hisana smiled. "Don't worry. Even though he's drunk right now he finally got to his senses. And I wonder what would happen if he found out Rukia's pills didn't work?"

Mayuri wipped away his tears. "By the way, why _were_ you locked up in the Kuchiki dungeons?"

Hisana looked away. "Did you forget? My hubby's a looker-of-course he has thousands of fangirls jealous of me! Why else?"

* * *

T**ell me, was it a good ending? If you wanna hate me for making Rukia end up with no one and Byakuya killing them both, well, I wanted to end it with Byakushie making Rukia forever alone. Honestly, I precieve Byakuya as that over protective, bad ass brother. And I would love to call him "nii-sama" and run around knowing he'll have his big pink sword to protect me from bad people like Aizen's son and father (who I insist on thinking to be the Greek Titan Kronos).**

**Again, not my best work. But I tried! **

**Anyway, if you have any requests in anything, please PM me and if you want something else to read, please read my current drabble, SoulShots_._That story takes requests, which you can either PM or review about!  
**

**Love and Panda Custard,**

**Sabby-sama the Panda Warrior**


End file.
